Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
