So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
