Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we're making bets on your personal life
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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