Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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