Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
