3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
