Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
