I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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