No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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