Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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