I faked an abortion last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
