Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
