Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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