dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Will exercising make me less horny?
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