I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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