so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
