Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
