i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
As shirtless as possible
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
