I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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