I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
