just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
