Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
