Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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