I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
