Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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