She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
