The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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