I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
