quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize