There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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