Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
