Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
