I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
