Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I need a burrito and a hug.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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