My friends, they love my intelligence
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
