Cold hands, warm shart.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
