I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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