Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
