oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
