You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
