My friends, they love my intelligence
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
