I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
