Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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