At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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