take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
