Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish you could order shots online.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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