Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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