You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize