I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
