Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
