Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
