who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
