Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
