I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
that's an acceptable place to lick
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
