About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
