I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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