i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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