She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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