the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
