he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
