ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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