sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
