we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
